Fleeing from my memories?
I promised quite a few souls that I'll update on the cycling trip so here Im.
This is gonna be a short one cause im heading out for school but I'll edit it when I have the time..
Here goes..
When out to night cycle with qing feng and his classmates last friday.. Man.. I paid for the worst BBQ food ever! period. haa.. but thats ok.. shall skip all the stuff about the BBQ part and proceed straight to the cycling part.
Qing and friends went over to one of the rental shop (they chose the cheap 8/night bangala shop) to rent bikes.. there where 5 of them so 5 bikes.. simple math right? qing and me had our own bike (I just can't stand rental bikes).
So.... we started cycling.. and yeah.. Its not even 30mins into our trip things started to go amiss.. one of their pedal dropped off.. and the damn nut went missing.. another guy got a bike with loose seat post.. I know I know.. DAMN SUAY RIGHT?
right at that moment I was thinking if all this have to do with the shadows I saw before everything in my life went haywire..
NEVERMIND.. we tried finding the nut but it proved impossible.. so we did the next best thing.. Try to stea.. I mean borrow one from the run down bikes in the neighbourhood.. haa.. ITS NOT MY FUCKING IDEA AH! Its qing's friend. aka the boss. haa!
Soooo.. we stole one and got the bike fixed temporarliy but not for long before the pedal start falling off again.. That defect bike guy's face was priceless I tell you.. haa!
The Boss then went home to get some tools to help fix their bike..
He came back with a plier and started to tighten the nut of the shitty bike.. It fell afew times before I stepped in and tried to tighten the damn nut myself after that it was BARELY holding on through the rest of the trip.. (credits to me! jkjk~ haa)
after that we cycled on.. towards many places.. places that holds my dearest memories..
(to be continued)
Dying
I know I haven't been posting for eons.
I figured out no one will see or read this post if i post it here now.
I need to get it out..
I wanna talk to her so much.. Wanna hug her so much and I wonder when is the last time I saw her smile at me.. I really missed it.. I would kill for her smile..
I don't know how long i can keep this up..
Something just don't seem right..
Maybe I'm going to break down soon..
I don't know.. I really don't..
I have work to do.. But I just don't have the mood to do anything now..
I know its not right to let my emotions rule over me..
But I can't help it.. I just can't..
I don't wanna bother her..
I wanna let her think..
But I kept wanting to send her an
SMS.. Telling her how much she's been missed..
I just don't understand..
We were still so happy last month despite the little fights and quarrels.. Weren't we?
In a flash we're in this state..
I'm not the
superstitious kind but
I'm beginning to to think if this is the work of something supernatural..
I know I shouldn't be blaming..
If anyone is to be blamed that would me me..
If I could have put more into our relationship maybe none of this would have happened..
Maybe she wouldn't say she didn't feel anything from me all this time..
I feel terrible hearing those words from her.. They felt like needles going through my heart..
I feel like a failure.. I know I failed at being a good boyfriend big time..
I know i shouldn't be finding excuses for myself.. But I guess I was wrong.. I know
I'm not the kind that will keep sweet things like "I love you" and show my love openly.. I guess its in my introvert nature or maybe its ego (I know this is crap)..
I did my best to show how much I care and love her.. But I know its not enough.. She wouldn't have said those words that hurt me like hell if I did..
I know should never have
used my hands no matter what..
I know it hurt her
a lot..
I can never forgive myself.. Not even after I slapped myself till blood flowed from my lips..
Now
every time I close my eyes I see her crying tears of anger and sadness.. I see her smoking to help ease the pain I caused her..
I don't want to see her smoking.. Its not about breaking her promise to me.. Its how much it pains me to see her doing harm to her own body..
There is no benefits to smoking at all.. Only harm.. It really kills me inside to see her smoking right before my eyes..
I can't sleep and eat properly thinking of what her answer might be..
I kept thinking of the times we shared together, the places we went and the words she said..
I kept listening to the songs she sent me..
I kept looking at the precious gifts she gave me..
I realise no matter matter where I look there will be memories of her..
She left a huge footprint in my life..
She's the only thing that's holding my life together now..
Her very exsistance puts my heart at ease..
I won't give up..
Not after all we've put into this relationship.
Not after I've decided she's the one I wanna be with for the rest of my life.
Not after all we've been through..
I won't believe that we will ever end..
I wanna give her happiness.
I wanna see her smile.
I wanna take care of her.
I wanna take her to places she wants to go.
I wanna make up to all the unhappy moments in her life..
I can't see the day I'll stop loving her..
Even if she were to give up.. I'll be waiting.. Even if it hurts.. Even if I'll feel lonely.. Even if tears might just flow in the middle of the night..
*Baby.. I know you may not ever see this post.. you might think Im saying all this just because Im trying to savage our relationship..
BUT IM NOT!
Please stop all the hurt..
Stop acting like you don't like seeing me..
Stop pushing someone who loves you so much away.. Didn't we both promised we won't let go no matter what?
Don't run.. Didn't we agreed that we'll go through every thing hand in hand?
Stop saying things like you wanna be void of love and emotion. Cause we're human.. We can't be void of love and emotions..
I didn't know I had a dream until you came into my life..
You're my all.. My everything.. If you were to leave you'll take away everything from my life..
