IcY PrInCe

Dying

I know I haven't been posting for eons.
I figured out no one will see or read this post if i post it here now.
I need to get it out..
I wanna talk to her so much.. Wanna hug her so much and I wonder when is the last time I saw her smile at me.. I really missed it.. I would kill for her smile..

I don't know how long i can keep this up..
Something just don't seem right..
Maybe I'm going to break down soon..
I don't know.. I really don't..
I have work to do.. But I just don't have the mood to do anything now..
I know its not right to let my emotions rule over me..
But I can't help it.. I just can't..

I don't wanna bother her..
I wanna let her think..
But I kept wanting to send her an SMS.. Telling her how much she's been missed..
I just don't understand..
We were still so happy last month despite the little fights and quarrels.. Weren't we?
In a flash we're in this state..
I'm not the superstitious kind but I'm beginning to to think if this is the work of something supernatural..
I know I shouldn't be blaming..
If anyone is to be blamed that would me me..
If I could have put more into our relationship maybe none of this would have happened..
Maybe she wouldn't say she didn't feel anything from me all this time..
I feel terrible hearing those words from her.. They felt like needles going through my heart..
I feel like a failure.. I know I failed at being a good boyfriend big time..

I know i shouldn't be finding excuses for myself.. But I guess I was wrong.. I know I'm not the kind that will keep sweet things like "I love you" and show my love openly.. I guess its in my introvert nature or maybe its ego (I know this is crap)..
I did my best to show how much I care and love her.. But I know its not enough.. She wouldn't have said those words that hurt me like hell if I did..

I know should never have used my hands no matter what..
I know it hurt her a lot..
I can never forgive myself.. Not even after I slapped myself till blood flowed from my lips..
Now every time I close my eyes I see her crying tears of anger and sadness.. I see her smoking to help ease the pain I caused her..
I don't want to see her smoking.. Its not about breaking her promise to me.. Its how much it pains me to see her doing harm to her own body..
There is no benefits to smoking at all.. Only harm.. It really kills me inside to see her smoking right before my eyes..

I can't sleep and eat properly thinking of what her answer might be..
I kept thinking of the times we shared together, the places we went and the words she said..
I kept listening to the songs she sent me..
I kept looking at the precious gifts she gave me..
I realise no matter matter where I look there will be memories of her..
She left a huge footprint in my life..
She's the only thing that's holding my life together now..
Her very exsistance puts my heart at ease..

I won't give up..
Not after all we've put into this relationship.
Not after I've decided she's the one I wanna be with for the rest of my life.
Not after all we've been through..

I won't believe that we will ever end..
I wanna give her happiness.
I wanna see her smile.
I wanna take care of her.
I wanna take her to places she wants to go.
I wanna make up to all the unhappy moments in her life..

I can't see the day I'll stop loving her..

Even if she were to give up.. I'll be waiting.. Even if it hurts.. Even if I'll feel lonely.. Even if tears might just flow in the middle of the night..

*Baby.. I know you may not ever see this post.. you might think Im saying all this just because Im trying to savage our relationship..
BUT IM NOT!
Please stop all the hurt..
Stop acting like you don't like seeing me..
Stop pushing someone who loves you so much away.. Didn't we both promised we won't let go no matter what?
Don't run.. Didn't we agreed that we'll go through every thing hand in hand?
Stop saying things like you wanna be void of love and emotion. Cause we're human.. We can't be void of love and emotions..
I didn't know I had a dream until you came into my life..
You're my all.. My everything.. If you were to leave you'll take away everything from my life..

posted by IcY PrInCe @ 3:04 AM